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Lawyers

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY

A Charlotte, North Carolina (NC) lawyer purchased a box of very rare and  expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and  without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the  lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer  stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance  company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed  the cigars in the normal fashion.mmmThe lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that  the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer  "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars  were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire"  and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his  loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on  24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the  previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of  intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in  jail and a $24,000 fine.

 PS: I have some doubts about the veracity of this tale as it was sent to me by a lawyer friend! - Ed

~ ~ ~

Cross Examination A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial it went like this: 

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?   

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.   

Q. Officer, who provided this description?   

A. The officer who responded to the scene. 

A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.   

Q. Do you trust your fellow officers?   

A. Yes sir, with my life.   

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?   

A. Yes sir, we do.   

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?   

A. Yes sir, I do.   

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? 

A. Yes sir. 

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?   

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

~ ~ ~

So sue me!

  • What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.

  • What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

  • What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

  • Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi

  • How does an attorney sleep?
    First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

  • If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

  • What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

  • What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
    He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

  • What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

  • What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

  • What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

  • Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? - New Jersey got first choice.!!!!!!!!

~ ~ ~

Reptiles

Two alligators who had recently graduated from Oxford University returned to their home in Louisiana. They were relaxing on a mud flat taking in some sun whiling away the day luxuriating in their summer leisure. Small alligator, "We've been together all our lives. We grew up together, attended the same schools, dated the same alligator girls, played alligator football, we eat the same food drink the same drink, we even eat at the same places. We're always together. My friend, I can't understand why you're nearly three times my size." Large alligator, "It must be your technique or your manner of dining. Tell me" he said, "how do you dine?" Small alligator, "Just like you I crawl up to the back of the Courthouse, sneak between the bushes and the wall, peek out to make sure no one can see me and then I rush out to hide under a BMW, Lexus, Rolls or Porsche. When a lawyer comes up to his car I lunge at him bite him, kill him and shake the excrement out of him. Large alligator, "Ah! I thought so. Your technique is appalling! You should know when you shake the excrement out of a lawyer all you have left is a mouth, an anal sphincter and a briefcase full of paper."  -- Bill-McCaslin" 

~ ~ ~

The Unfortunate Story of The Presbyterian Minister and The Lawyer. 

An elderly Presbyterian Minister with poor eyesight was driving an  empty school bus at dusk. Having difficulty seeing the lines that late in the evening he occasionally drifted into the lane of oncoming traffic. 

Approaching him was an attorney in a custom painted candy apple red Lexus with custom fitted seats made in Spain of well let Corinthian leather with the license plate: I-SUE-U. Sadly they collided and the entire side of  the Lexus from the head light to the tail light was ripped from the car. 

To the ditch they went and the Minister jumped appalled and shaking from the  bus exclaiming repeatedly his most profound expletive, "Oh! My!" The attorney struggled to free himself from his stricken automobile fighting with the seat and shoulder belts and loudly cursing the air bag. He jumped out greatly shaken as the Minister arrived exclaiming, "Oh! My! What shall we do?" 

The attorney not to be misdirected by such a bland plaint shouted loudly and with a will: "YOU IDIOT! YOU FREAKING IDIOT! Look what you've done to my car! That paint was custom mixed candy apple red with 24 kt. Gold metal flake overcoat by Jean Marie Tresvant in Goetborg! Do you realize there are 16 coats of paint and 16 coats of clear overcoat with 24 kt. Gold? Do you know it took six months to paint and hand buff those coats? The paint job cost $16,000.00 -- look at my seat it is totally ruined! Do you realize Dr. Jurgen Heim van Til, Professor Emeritus of Biometrics Sciences at the Sorbonne made my body cast at a cost of $4,000.00? Do you realize that one of a kind seat was designed by Enrico Scarlatti of Milan for $6000.00 made in Cordoba Spain by Auto Fabrik a subsidiary of Ubermenchen Uber All Y'all GMBH the premiere custom leather manufactory of Germany for $9.790.00? You have made a total mess of my automobile!  

The Minister, having noticed the attorney's license plate condemned with a loud voice, "You lawyers are so materialistic!" The attorney replied, "What?" The Minister then said, "Look down at your arm." As the attorney looked down at his arm he saw it had been ripped off at the shoulder by the accident. He exclaimed with a will, "EGAD! Where is my $28,000.00 Limited Edition 18 kt. Gold Jaeger LeCoultre Reverso watch?"

~ ~ ~

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't  have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the  other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a  pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car,  which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once  underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are  too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad  to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot  high!"

~ ~ ~

A Rabbi, an Indian Gentleman and the Lawyer

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired.

They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals.

The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"

The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

~ ~ ~

The Engineer

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. 

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake... he should never have got down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

~ ~ ~

S p a g h e t t i...

An attorney was having an affair with his secretary. Shortly afterwards, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the secretary a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the money and flew to Italy. 

Six months went by and then one day, the attorney's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means. "The attorney said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you". 

Later that evening the attorney came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rush! Rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had caused her husband to have a cardiac arrest, so the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with meatballs, two without."

~ ~ ~

A Heart Transplant

The hospital administrator drove into his private parking place. As he got out and approached the door he saw an entire surgical team in greens, gloved and masked digging around in the flower bed with surgical instruments. he approached them and inquired, "What are you doing?" An assisting Surgeon related they were doing a heart transplant on a Lawyer and they were looking for a stone the right size.

~ ~ ~

Lawyer Brains

A woman with a brain tumor was surprised when her doctor called her. and told her of a new, experimental brain transplant procedure. When she met with her doctor, he told her that she would require the transplant of one pound of brain. The doctor then asked. "What type of brain do you want?"

"What type?" the woman asked. "That makes a difference?" "Yes." replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference In price. For example, one-pound of brain from a surgeon costs 12.000. while you can get one-pound of brain from a nuclear physicist for 15.000. and so on. You will gain some of the qualities associated with the profession of the brain donor, so your choice can make a big difference."

"Can you give me one-pound of brain from a lawyer? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."

"Sure. Let's see. That's 250.000." the doctor replied. "You're kidding me I That's outrageous." the woman gasped. "That's over forty times what a surgeon's brain costs."

"Actually, it is quite reasonable." the doctor replied. "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?

~ ~ ~

A Blonde and a Lawyer...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very condescending manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to lecture her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are ....

2. Blondes aren't always as dumb as most folks think

 

Thanks to everyone who sent in a "funny"

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Ninety four point five per cent of all statistics are made up ~ ~ Woody Allen