Have a Laugh
Kid's stuff - Those Scotsmen - Murphy strikes again - Not just the kids - Children in Church - Medical - Insults Malpractise
Abduction - They wish they
hadn't said it - Verse
- Lawyers - Everybody, Somebody and Nobody -
In the Office - OK an Irish joke - or two -
- Silly headlines
- MENSA Test - The best candidates for
surgery - Toilet
humor - Divorce
- Inner Strength
- Accountants - Letter to my Bank Manager
- Are you Glaswegian
- The Indian Student
My neighbour knocked on my
door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for
him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me
last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson
Did you hear about the fat
alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
I've just had a
letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that
they're not actually a dating agency.
Spent £40 on eBay last week
for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bugger's sent me a
I woke up last night to find
the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I
was afraid.......then I was petrified.
What's the difference between
Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an
A wife says to her husband
you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says
what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife
last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as
a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I
said your obviously not listening.
Doctors have just identified a
food that can cause grief and suffering for years after it's been
eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife
last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer
talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
The wife has been
missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have
been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
It was the
first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.. Who
said "Give me Liberty , or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
"Patrick Henry, 1775"he said.
good! "Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response except
from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar.
teacher snapped at the class,"Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do."
a loud whisper: "*@€%&*! the Indians,"
that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer,
point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991. "Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher ,"Bill
Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything
else, I'll kill you."
frantically yells at the top of his voice, " Michael Jackson to the
child witnesses testifying against him- 2004."
teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said,"Oh shit, we're *@€%&*!"
Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007.
Time for Austerity
A man is
getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and
runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After
thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her the £800 and leaves.
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom,
her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door
neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says,
"Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"
Moral of the
If you share
critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
ABOUT SUMS THINGS UP.......
11th August - A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick
Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a
ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
morning press conference, the Home Secretary said he believes the man
is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the
man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of
maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They
desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names
like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval
with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".
asked to comment on the arrest, The British Prime Minister , speaking
from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God
had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would
have given us more fingers and toes."
Livermore Labs Discover New Element!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
heaviest element known to science was discovered several months ago and
then studied by physicists at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratories.
element, named Administratium, by it's co-discoverers Dr. James F.
Cabinet and Dr. Fi Ling Drawer has been defined to have no protons or
electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one
neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant
vice neutron, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange
of meson-like particles, called morons.
has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected
chemically, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
to the discoverers (now employed by IBM), a minute amount of
Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete
when it normally would occur in less than a 1 second and reduced yield
by 75%. The article was submitted to "The Journal of Science" but was
rejected due to administrative regulations.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead, it undergoes a
reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice neutrons exchange quantum energy states. Some studies
tend to indicate that the atomic weight might actually increases with
each reorganization. Sometimes the neutron sucks up all the reaction
and then disintegrates; one of the lesser neutrons takes its place.
This requires the loss of another reaction to increase the neutron's
energy state. The results of definitive experiments are under
administrative review at this time and can not be published.
at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally.
It tends to self-generate most often in statistically significant
concentrations at universities and then concentrate at certain points,
such as government agencies, large computer or aerospace corporations,
and formerly disintegrated neutrons generally tend to reintegrate with
tenure at universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction
when it accumulates.
attempts are being made to prevent irreversible damage, but results
to-date are not promising. Attempts to control it simply cause more
Administratium to be made. Additionally, any attempts to ignore
Administratium tend to rapidly accelerate its creation. -- Bill
~ ~ ~
hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer
(WORK). If you receive WORK
from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good
friends to the nearest pub or bottle shop.
known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor
quickest acting WINE type is called
(SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The
next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer
(CASK). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have
already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY
(last Monday): After extensive testing it has been concluded that
(BEER) may be substituted for WINE
but may require a more generous application.
life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Why did the Chicken
cross the road?
SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information The chicken did not cross the road.
This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.
BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.
POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.
I agree with George.
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into question.
my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its
dream of crossing the road.
LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was an historic inevitability.
REAGAN What chicken?
FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
eChicken2005 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is
an integral part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
CLINTON What is your definition of chicken?
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken
CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was
SANDERS Did I miss one?
SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
~ ~ ~
dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame Chrétien;
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence
on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will
seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these
retirement years?" "A penis" replied Madame Aline Chrétien. A hush fell
over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to
say next. Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon petit
chou, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, 'appiness!'
seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed
middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. A
weary American traveller asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my little FiFi is using that seat."
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself again
facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit
there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not
only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
American didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the dog,
tossed it out the open window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat. The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend her
honor and chastise the American.
elderly Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "Sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing daft things. You eat
holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong
side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the
Txt message re Gerbil
Hi guys -
Here's a genuine txt message I received from a friend last week:
Sam - badminton racquet - gerbil - not good Sam is his son of just
under 4 years old... Made me smile anyway - Allan
trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew,
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew,
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie,
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary,
Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower. Lamar,
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your
parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer
him. Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel,
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
the phone. Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your
mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly,
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey,
Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip,
Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8
Don't listen to me when I talk to you. Kelsey,
Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for
her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what
she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place, smack his ass again!'
child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the
offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster
piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm
boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin
asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy
responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How
do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is
add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4
a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the
little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it
will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church
service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who
passed trash against us."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you
know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied.
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we
give him the money now, will he let us go?"
christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times
what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted
us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you
asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible
stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on
an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary,
Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.
School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My
Mom is a good cook."
college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand
on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below
would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character
would plunge through. The play was well received. One day the actor
playing the part became ill, and another actor who was quite overweight
took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!"
the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but
became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make
him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old
boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About
halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you
don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will
have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking
her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God
make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed,
honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their
respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it,
MORE KIDS IN
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the
children in my Sunday School class.
the children all answered.
I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
the answer was, "NO!"
then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and
loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
they all answered, "NO!"
I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA be dead!"
~ ~ ~
Kids in 'The Kirk
raised in a strict PCA (Presbyterian Church of America)
church home. As a child I heard this joke: Q "Why are
Presbyterians opposed to pre-marital sex?" A "It leads to dancing." Now
this was when I was quite young. So surely you understand a
child of nine years in 1954 might be confused a bit.
family attended the funeral of a friend who was PCUSA (Presbyterian
Church of the United States of America), IMHO a sadly deluded liberal
faction. One of the hymns they sang and we did not sing had this line,
"gladly the cross I'd bear." As a child I heard that as "Gladly
the Cross Eyed Bear." On the way home I enquired of my
grandmother why we were singing about a Bear in church. She asked more
and I explained, "Isn't church to help us see? Why are we singing about
a Bear who is glad he can't see?"
years ladies wore girdles and corsets. They were universally referred
to as a "Foundation." But I didn't know that at the time. One morning
in church I made what I thought was an important connection;
recall I'm nine years old. We sang a song that had this line, "The
Church's one foundation is Jesus Christ our Lord." On the way
home on that hot summer day and many times before my
grandmother remarked, "Whew! I can't wait to get home and get
my foundation off!" I asked, "Why do we go to church to get
our foundation and then come home and take it off?" Subsequent to that
revelation I was introduced to the mysteries of a lady's
"foundation" ... a prospect which has horrified me ever from
that day. -- Bill McCaslin
~ ~ ~
you find that you can't remove a stain from your shirt...then give it
to your Mum -- Daniel Anderson -- Milton Keynes
being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael
Howard of Leeds, England changed his name to 'Yorkshire Bank PLC are
Facist Bast***s'. The bank has now asked him to close his account and
Mr Bast***s has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque made out
in his new name" -- Bony
~ ~ ~
has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in
bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge Status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male mentally alert but
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital
She is numb from the toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
The patient has two teen age children, but no other abnormalities. Submitted
by Simon Ashworth -- Somewhere in the South-West of England
~ ~ ~
in my time will be Prime Minister.-Margaret Thatcher, 1969 .........She
became Prime Minister in 1979
He is a busted flush.-Lord Beaverbrook in 1932, explaining why he would
not give the man a job on his newspaper. Ten years later he was Prime
Minister and his boss.
is a peaceful man, he thinks war’s not worth the candle.-Willie Hitler
speaking about his uncle Adolph, 1937 .........
a hoax.-Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society, 1900.
not fly for fifty years.-Wilbur Wright to his brother, Orville, In 1901
.........In 1903 Wilbur and Orville flew.
travel is utter bilge-Dr. Richard Wooley, Astronomer Royal, 1956.
........The first sputnik was launched in 1957
telephone is an amazing invention but who would want to use one of
them?-American President, Rutherford Hayes 1876.
electric light bulb is good enough for our transatlantic friends, but
unworthy of practical of scientific or practical men.-British
Parliamentary society set up to investigate electric lighting,1878.
no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. Ken
Olsen ........Head of the Digital Equipment Company now part of
~ ~ ~
Sweeter even than Betty Grable is that fabulous vegetable
For a taste of my favourite brassica, whole nations would I massacre
Comparisons to the rose and the lily are inapt and utterly silly
George Lincoln-Bush 1999 ~~ parker_bowles
nursery rhyme brought up to date!
Little Bo-peep has lost her sheep
but I know where to find them.
They're in the deep freeze with packets of peas
neatly stacked behind them.
verse to celebrate Toilet Week in the UK
Oh Domestos, champagne of the smallest room!
You sharpen the atmosphere , cut through the gloom,
For seventy five years you've killed al known germs
You've protected our children and daddies and merms [sic]
Ian McMillen, Barnsley UK
~ ~ ~
Don't move, I want to forget you just the way you are !
· If you ever need a friend...go buy a dog !
· You only have one bad habit, breathing !
· If there's ever a price on your head, take it !
· I'm going to name my first ulcer after you.
· Why don't you resign from the human race?
· Why don't you sue your brains for non-support?
· If Moses had seen you, there'd be another Commandment.
· That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die?
· I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you?
· Your tailor must have a great sense of humor.
· Look at you--was anyone else hurt in the accident?
· You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
· Sit down--you make the place look shabby.
· Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
· Can I use your head for my rock garden?
~ ~ ~
Intelligence' is a contradiction of terms. -- Alan Brighton,
~ ~ ~
was an important job to be done and Everybody
was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it but Nobody
did. Somebody got angry about this because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it
but Nobody realised that
Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed
Somebody when Nobody did
what Anybody could have done !
~ ~ ~
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty
soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,
and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things
are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come
up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake... he should never have got down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan
laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?
~ ~ ~
Engineers and Managers
A man in
a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted
a chap below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am"
on the ground replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
am," replied the chap, on the ground, "How did you know?"
answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything you've delayed my trip."
on the ground responded, "You must be in management".
am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"
said the man on the ground, "You don't know where you are or where
you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you
are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault".
~ ~ ~
opening plenary session of the WSSD in Johannesburg recently,
delegations were asked: "Would you please give your honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The
subsequent debate ended in deadlock. The Africans did not know what
"food" meant. The Western Europeans did not know what "shortage" meant.
The Eastern Europeans did not know what "opinion" meant. Delegates from
the Middle East did not know what "solution" meant. The South Americans
did not know what "please" meant. The Asians did not know what "honest"
meant. And the United States did not know what "the rest of the world"
preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, "how
many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies?"
half held up their hands. He the went on to give his sermon, after
which he then repeated his question. All responded, except one elderly
Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?""I don't have any."
Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?""Ninety-three." she
Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person
cannot have an enemy in the world?"
little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I
outlived all those bitches."
to everyone who sent in a "funny"
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has many enemies. The worst of them are ignorance, arrogance,
extremism, and violence" - Abbas Kadhim