Human Resources Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's
attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using
foul language during the course of normal conversation with their
Due to complaints received
from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language
will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical
importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when
communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY
SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas
and information can continue in an effective manner
1) TRY SAYING: I think you
could use more training. - INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f**k
2) TRY SAYING: She's an
aggressive go-getter. - INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can
work late. - INSTEAD OF: And when the f**k do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain
that isn't feasible - INSTEAD OF: No f**king way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really? -
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you
should check with... - INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't
involved in the project . - INSTEAD OF: It's not my f**king problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's
interesting. - INSTEAD OF: What the f**k?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure
this can be implemented. - INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to
schedule that. - INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not
familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me,
sir? - INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you
weren't happy with it? - INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit
overloaded at the moment. - INSTEAD OF: f**k it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think
you understand. - INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a
challenge. - INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me
to take care of that? - INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: I see. -
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
19) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat
insensitive. - INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
Thank You, Human Resources
SOME NEW WORDS -
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2003
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late. 9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the
day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a
grub in the fruit you're eating.
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function,
asked: "Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?"
"Certainly not," was the reply. "First, you are drunk. Secondly, it is
not a waltz, but the Venezuelan national anthem; and thirdly I am not a
beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio." -- Newsgroups:
non-British and younger readers Lord George Brown was a cabinet
minister in Harold Wilson's government.
Customer Service Complaint
wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've ever
had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a
classic! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver
for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with
a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United
Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line
of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE
to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied,
"I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to
help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM"?
hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone,
"May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please
come to Gate 14."
With the folks
behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United
agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she
smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for
woman called the Canon helpdesk because she had a problem with her
printer. The techie asked her if she was "running it under windows".
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window, and his is working fine."
"how much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer," Well,
my wife likes to get up there on the internet, and she downloaded 10
hours of free space. Is that enough?"
would like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson, "Certainly sir, we have a
large variety." Customer, "But will they be compatible with my
you copy the internet onto this disc for me?"
that will get me connected to the internet, right?" Tech Support,
"Yes." Customer, "And that’s the latest version of the internet?"
Tech Support, "OK
Bob, lets press the control and escape keys at the same time. That
brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter
P to bring up the program manager." Customer, "I don't have a P." Tech
Support, " On your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "What do you mean?" Tech
Support, "P on your keyboard, Bob." Customer, "I'm not going to do
Several men are in the locker
room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages
the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in
the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I am at
the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000.
Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go
ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also
stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw this years new models. I saw
one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the
market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give
them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll
see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a
SCREAMER or MOANER - she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE .
3. She is not EASY
- she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
4. She is not
DUMB - she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not
BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an
AIRHEAD - she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not
get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not
have BREAST IMPLANTS - she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not
NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a
SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not
have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a
TWO-BIT WHORE - she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE
1. He does not
have a BEER GUT - he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a
BAD DANCER - he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET
LOST ALL THE TIME - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not
BALDING - he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a
CRADLE ROBBER - he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get
FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not
act like a TOTAL ASS - he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a
MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - he has SWINE EMPATHY .
9. He is not
afraid of COMMITMENT - he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He is not HORNY - he is SEXUALLY FOCUSED -- Raymond Watson
Man's five most feared questions:
What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.tells
truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below
along with possible responses.
What are you thinking about?
proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit
pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
likely is one of the following:
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died
Or if you really wanted world war three you could say "If I wanted you
know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you
feel a more detailed answer is
necessary: "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?
3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Among the
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an
emphatic: "Of course not!!" Incorrect
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
(The real answer of course is "Buy Ferrari and a
boat".) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour
follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form
called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems
encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or
correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then
respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action
was taken, and the
pilotsreview the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by
pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way,
Qantas is the only major airline that has NEVER had an accident :
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action
taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
I love this one....
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Tom had been in the liquor
business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and
buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He
sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise
it's total peace and quiet.
After six months of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars,
your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Havin' a Christmas party
Friday night... thought ya might like to come about 5:00
"Great", says Tom, "after
six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank
As Lars is leaving, he stops, turns around and says: "Gotta warn
ya......thars gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom.
"After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n likely gonna be
some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with
people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild
sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the
idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By
the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter .....
Just gonna be the two of us."
Liners AND Corny
My neighbour knocked on my
door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do
was eat, drink and be Mary.
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to
inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and
bugger's sent me a magnifying glass!
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a
and the other is an instruction.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I
like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not listening.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She
is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the
to everyone who sent in a "funny"
- The Drudge Report
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has many enemies. The worst of them are ignorance, arrogance,
extremism, and violence" - Abbas Kadhim