Not so serious:
boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents,
"How was I
said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to
"Oh," said the
boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork
brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he
the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting
to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read
with confusion the opening sentence:
has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a
natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
WHY GOD CREATED
CHILDREN -- (AND IN THE PROCESS
To those of us who have
children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces,
nephews,or students... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out
of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's
omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and
earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said
was "DON'T !"
"Don't what? "
"Don't eat the
forbidden fruit." God said.
? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! "
"No Way! "
"Yes way! "
"Do NOT eat the
fruit! " said God.
"Because I am
your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't
stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God
saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked ! "Didn't I
tell you not to eat the fruit ? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam
"Then why did
you? " said the Father.
"I don't know,"
"She started it!
" Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of
them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of
their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !
If you have
persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had
trouble raising children, what make s you think it would be a piece of
cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the
first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you
spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's
reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know
why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote
you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have
5. The main purpose of
holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are
children more awful than your own.
6 We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.
FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP
AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
These British 16
years olds have terrific senses of humour!
are real, unadulterated answers from British 16 year-olds, in their
GCSE's (end of year exams...) GEOGRAPHY
Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of
the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes
the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in the
man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped
her nose and then shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man went
back to his reading. A few minutes passed. The woman sneezed again,
took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in
her seat. The man was becoming more and more curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more
time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered
The man had finally had all he could handle. He turned to the woman and
said, "You've sneezed three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your
nose then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
woman replied, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition
and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
man, was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious and said,
"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
Lust, or Marriage?
How do you know if you're in love, in
lust, or really married? For those of you who have any questions, or
misplaced envy, this should clear it up:
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded
- When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE
- When you lose your child in crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making
love." LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - What
the hell are you talking about?
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't
climax. LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?
LOVE - When you write poems about your
partner. LUST - When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE -
When all you write is cheques.
LOVE - When you show concern for your
partner's feelings. LUST - When you couldn't give a &*%$
MARRIAGE -When your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you,
darling..." LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in
public with your partner. LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When your heart flutters every time
you see them. LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - When nobody else matters. LUST -
When nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you
don't care who knows.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio
describe exactly how you feel. LUST - When the song on the radio
determines how you do it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you
try not to think about. LUST - When staying together is something you
try not to think about. MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is
your only thought.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing
things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing
things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your
Some Darwin Awards!
are finally out again. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed
by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting
to tip a free soda out of it.
And the 2002 nominees are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a
way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy
alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction
made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him
and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in
the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He
was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a
pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's
wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform
look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter
canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end
of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx.
12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his
rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
his family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a
911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had
reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer
found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to
check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his
genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man-who was
declared dead on arrival at the hospital the police made a closer
inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole
between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered
what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting
his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two
electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one
of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control
of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree,
seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace
road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination,
were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been
distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently
beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct
buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA,
man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump
off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia,
a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one
end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was
greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend-no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse
in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition;
lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two
technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To
their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described
the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation
of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending
pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of
as 'bright' by his peers.
1.Based on a bet by the other members of
his foursome, the last nominee for this year's Darwin Award (awarded to
people for incredible feats of mental lapses whose demise aids in
improving the gene pool) goes to .... Everitt Sanchez who tried to wash
his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once
again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to
straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine Much to
his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on
the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly
in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez,
the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the
ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was
the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall,
and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball
washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was
pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery
inside. To add insult injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that
he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance
himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining threesome was asked to leave the course. Now, obviously, this
last nominee did not expire; however, since he is forever sterilized,
the nominating committee believed he warranted an opportunity in this
Little Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8
and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew
that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the
blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the
older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge
man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him
sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no
response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman
repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt
to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his
finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy
screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into
his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found
him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother,
gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God
is missing, and they think we did it!"
lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down
the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet
Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn'tya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Mrs Donovan and Father Rafferty!
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street, in Dublin,
when she met up with Father Rafferty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
& didn't I marry ye & yer husband 2 years
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm
going to Rome next week & I'll light a candle for ye &
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked,
"Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me,
have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins & 4 singles,
10 in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer feckin' candle!"
Obnoxious arrogant schoolmates; how to show them their
If you're sure the offender is the next person to use the shower
you're in luck and that person will be blue. Here's how: Go
to the VET and purchase some fairly large empty gelatine
capsules, fill them with something like RIT, a dye used to
dye clothes in the washing machine. Personally I prefer Woad
Blue, but then I'm a Scot. Purchase some plain gelatine at the
grocery. Mix it up in hot water and after the surface becomes
the least bit sticky dip the capsule in and dry it with an
hair dryer, repeat this several times. Admittedly this part
is a bit tricky. Zip into the WC, carefully remove the shower head, pop
a few capsules in the pipe and replace the shower head. Then
when the water flows at first no color will flow, about the
time your schoolmate gets soapy and closes the eyes -- well
then the color will flow. OBTW There is no cure, it has to
wear off. Usually humility wears on at the same time.
Another outstanding trick is to sneak into the WC and stretch
Saran Wrap over the toilet bowl. Make a really neat job of
it. This is best done late Friday or Saturday night. When the
offender returns from a night of revelry that person will
approach the white throne depending on their specific degree of
devotion, they may reverently kneel, respectfully stand or sit in quiet
spiritual contemplation. In any case they will be dazed and
In rather cold damp climates I've found the early morning
application of Super Glue to the appropriate door knob a few
minutes before it will be grasped is quite a bonding experience. As a
person so joined as it might be said, is usually in a state of undress
the opportunities for contumely and opprobrium are virtually
If the offending person has been out drinking and is now abed and if
perchance a hand of the offender dangles from the bed, well,
hummm. Fill a small bowl with slightly cooled water, stack
some stuff so you can sit the bowl on it and carefully
immerse the offender's hand in the slightly cooled water...
Beat a silent but hasty retreat. Shortly the offender will
awaken realizing he had a liquid problem and now has to lay in
-- Government by the intellectually challenged
Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher
levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The
Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and
excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain,
"ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful
arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two
higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
"isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the Middle East ripe for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the
world" and "ask the British for help".
Finally here in the UK we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to
"make another cup of tea".
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old
farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a
while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back
some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to
him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I
didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get
out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to
feed the alligator."
that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative b) Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze
for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me,
thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm
not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants
to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the
nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going
home now as I have work in the morning
The Son's Note
father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed,
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with
all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's
not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be
Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she
already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and
that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to
know your grandchildren.
Your loving son,
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
my report card that's in the center drawer of my desk. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
PLANE RIDE JOKE
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of
a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting
to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip an hour before sundown. Sure
enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.
He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man
sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they
were in the air, though flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, and make
several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause the "pilot" replied, "You mean, you're not my
Did I Read That
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT
BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON
THE DRAINING BOARD
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health
food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
Message on a
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
On a repair shop
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
*~ Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~ Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~ Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~ Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~ Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~ Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~ Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~ Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~ Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~ Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on
*~ War does not determine who is right, war determine who is
*~ Wife who put husband! in doghouse soon find him in cat
*~ Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~ It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~ Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~ Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~ Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
*~ Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
to everyone who sent in a "funny"
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has many enemies. The worst of them are ignorance, arrogance,
extremism, and violence" - Abbas Kadhim