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Men versus Women - Surely the Y Chromosome is not the only reason why we are constantly at war!  -  Some of the differences between men and women

A spousal unit is cooking eggs when its companion spousal unit walks into the house, comes into the kitchen and starts shouting: "Careful. Careful! MORE BUTTER! TURN THEM OVER! TURN THEM OVER! Butter...MORE BUTTER! Don't you see they're going to burn? BE CAREFUL! TURN THEM OVER! HURRY! TURN THEM OVER NOW! NOW! Careful! TOO MUCH BUTTER! IT'S GOING TO SPRAY! CAREFUL, you're going to burn tourself! HEY! HEY! TOO MUCH BUTTER! NOT ENOUGH SALT! IT NEEDS MORE SALT!" The spousal unit, completely exasperated, finally shouts: "What's the matter with you? Why are you shouting at me like that?" The companion spousal unit turns around and says very calmly while leaving the kitchen: "Nothing. I just wanted to show you what it's like when you're sitting next to me in the car..."

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, " WHAT???" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewelry department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man." I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the spring of 2010.

 

The Chain Letter

As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you.

Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list,and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

 0.5 miss worlds
 2.5 models
 463 wild nymphos
 3,234 good-looking nymphos
 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
 40,198 bi-sexual women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag
you posted off. And, best of all, your originalpackage is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the same accusatorial statement on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.)

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sexlife.

No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so
that you can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send it to your vacuum cleaner.

PPS This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great
adventure that they may soon undertake.

(Must dash, the post has just arrived.)

<<<>>>

The story of a mans life.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.

She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am 40 now and am looking for a girl with very big tits

<<<>>>

42 THINGS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ..........
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried,
Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the street.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and colleges throughout the country, not all men are cretins
deserving your contempt.
5. shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill/BBQ
11. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
12. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie:Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with
roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
13. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
14. He heard you the first time.
15. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
16. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
17. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
18. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
19. Dogs good. Cats bad.
20. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. 21.
If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit
through "Showgirls".
22. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
24. He was NOT looking at that other girl.
25. Well, okay... maybe a little.
26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at another guy...
27. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
28. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
29. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine.
30. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
31. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
32. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
33. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
35. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looksfine/smellsfine, Looksfine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
36. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better
looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
37. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
38. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beergut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
39. Don't hog the covers.
40. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
41. He does not just want to be friends.
42. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:"You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"

<<<>>>

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in.

She turns and says; "You've got to make love to me - right now, this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives her his all -- right there, on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

Puzzled at her casual demeanor after such an unusual event, he asks; "What was that all about?"

She explains; "The egg timer's broken."

<<<>>>

E D U C A T I O N . C O U R S E S . F O R . W O M E N

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It s Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMT: Your Problem . . . Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don t Like To.
25. Sex - It's For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Petrol: You Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to Go in Public Toilets.
32. Learning to go to the Toilet in Pubs Without your Friends.
33. Do These Jeans Make My Bum Look Big? -Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.

<<<>>>

Women's English:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

<<<>>>

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator..

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Tell a woman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and A bitch sleeps with
everyone at the party except you.

 

<<<>>>

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

How to Shower Like A Woman:


Take off clothes and place then in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc. Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. 
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like A Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. 

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those
course bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. 

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

ENGLISHWOMAN'S DIARY: Saturday 29th April 2012

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did,and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else...

I cried myself to sleep. 

MAN'S DIARY: Saturday 29th April 2006.

Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then, gutted! Got a shag though.

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER. - FOR EXAMPLE ......

1. FREEZER BAGS:
THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY HOLD EVERYTHING IN, BUT YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH THEM.

2. COPIERS:
THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, THEY TAKE AWHILE TO WARM THEM UP AGAIN. THEY'RE AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT BUTTONS ARE PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE PUSHED.

3. TYRES:
THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY GO BALD AND ARE OFTEN OVER-INFLATED.

4. HOT AIR BALLOON:
MALE, BECAUSE TO GET IT TO GO ANYWHERE, YOU HAVE TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER IT, AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE HOT AIR PART.

5. SPONGES:
FEMALE BECAUSE THEY'RE SOFT, SQUEEZABLE AND RETAIN WATER.

6. WEB PAGE:
FEMALE, BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS GETTING HIT ON.

7. SUBWAY:
MALE, BECAUSE IT USES THE SAME OLD LINES TO PICK PEOPLE UP.

8. HOURGLASS:
FEMALE, BECAUSE OVER TIME, THE WEIGHT SHIFTS TO THE BOTTOM.

9. HAMMER:
MALE, BECAUSE IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH OVER THE LAST 500 YEARS BUT IT'S HANDY TO HAVE AROUND.

10. REMOTE CONTROL:
......FEMALE - HA! YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE MALE BUT CONSIDER THIS - IT GIVES A MAN PLEASURE, HE'D BE LOST WITHOUT IT, AND WHILE HE DOESN'T ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT BUTTONS TO PUSH, HE KEEPS TRYING.

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: 
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.c. After wrecking your boss' car.d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".e. When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. 

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking 
about his choice of beer. 

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! 

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.) For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs. 

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 

28: There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really 
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, 
the definition of each is listed below. 

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being 
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are 
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" 
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling 
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on 
the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" 
We hope this clears up any confusion. ICOM - (International Council of Manhood.)

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

SAFETY ADVICE

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a 
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own 
hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license 
in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, friend, colleague, 
neighbour or significant other! 

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? 
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? 
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? 
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate 

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? 
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown. 
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! 
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate 

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? 
SAFER: Could we be overreacting? 
SAFEST: Here's my wallet. 
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate 

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? 
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. 
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? 
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate 

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? 
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today 
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! 
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate. 

~~~|M-v-W|~~~

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR: 

1. Pass My Shotgun 
2. Psychotic Mood Shift 
3. Perpetual Munching Spree 
4. Puffy Mid-Section 
5. People Make me Sick 
6. Provide Me with Sweets 
7. Pardon My Sobbing 
8. Pimples May Surface 
9. Pass My Sweatpants 
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 
11. Plainly; Men Suck 
12. Pack My Stuff 

And my favourite ... 

13. Potential Murder Suspect 

The difference between men and women:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down
the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window
and yells: *PIG*!!

The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he
slams straight into a pig in the middle of the road.

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following
is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times
you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4
times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and
tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get
more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to f**k the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed
and were f**king the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt
me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

<<<>>>

Thanks to everyone who sent in a "funny"

Silly Sites: www.theonion.com - The Drudge Report

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"Humanity has many enemies. The worst of them are ignorance, arrogance, extremism, and violence" - Abbas Kadhim